24 August 2007

My new pink cloud

OK. I got frustrated by the difficulty of filling my replacement script for fluoxetine (Prozac). I was pissed and then grudgingly pleased to discover it was the pharmacy's fault all along but pleased at how easy it was to finally get it filled. But now I'm very surprised to realize that I'm feeling much better this week. More energy. Getting more done. Waking more easily. Sleeping far better (I knew all along Prozac was giving me sleeping problems for the several years I've been taking it). What to do?

Alf, LaTroy and Thorn (step-children) are out-of-state visiting Mobs Sissy (their sister) and Deadbeat Dad (their father). Alf was away the week before. Maybe that's why I feel so good.

I've broken some bad habits I was getting into. Maybe that's why I feel better.

Mom and Dad seem to have recovered their health. Both being 85, that's no small accomplishment. While Ferdinand and OneEighty, Sis and Dean-o, Doppelganger and HennaLoge, and Nimue and I—and some of our children as well—were providing them meals and doing their chores, I was mentally preparing myself for the possibility of devoting a substantial portion of my life to their care. Even to the point of possibly having to resign my service position. But they're back on their own.

Maybe it's just part of the normal cycle of ups and downs and I'd forgotten how good the ups can be.

Nah, I don't think so. My fantasy when I first had trouble with the prescription was that I'd get so depressed I'd kill myself and then Nimue and my children could sue the pharmacy for causing my death. That's about as close to a suicidal thought as I ever get. Still it's a bad sign. The week before last was not particularly good. Nimue and I had some disagreements. I felt depressed.

I've been off the Prozac for about 3 weeks now. With a half-life of 2 weeks, the level in my body would be about a third of what it's been for several years (except for my two brief voluntary experiments to see how I felt if I went off it). Is that a good level for me currently? If so I could cut back to 20mg per day from 60.

I discussed my situation a little with AdenineLush this afternoon, while we were talking on another matter. As I said then, the replacement medicine hasn't shown up yet, so I don't need to decide right now. While not a medical professional, she has quite a bit of practical knowledge about psychoactive drugs. I expected her to be skeptical about me going off the stuff, but after asking me a few questions, she wasn't.

This again raises in my mind questions about the interplay of the chemical and the spiritual. Once more, will I have found myself struggling with what I thought were spiritual issues, when all along they were only chemical deficiencies (or surpluses) in my brain? I've got to learn to do my best and simply leave the outcomes in the merciful hands of my Higher Power.


butterflygirl said...

good luck...after 6 months off my meds I realized it wasn't time to let go so I have started a new one.

dAAve said...

It's all part of the Total Entertainment Package (sometimes called "the journey").

Shadow said...

i'm going off mine and feel a ok... hope it lasts...

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

I understand that the anti depressant debate is highly contentious in aa, but because I got sober with old timer who had been prescribed many !!medications prior to coming to aa and stopped using them when they got sober, I followed that example and have always sponsored that way. I have never had any problems with Sponsees coming off anti depressants even if they have been on them for half their life. I generally do not start the step with them till they are off medication completely. Seems to work! But I knew many others from my old home group who did the same with great results so I had the benefit of that experience to draw from. some VERY sick people in my old home group! Anyway. What I mean is I sure you will be fine.
I think the story doctor alcoholic addict and the description of 'solid alcohol' influenced me a great deal. Also that I know a TON of medics, most of whom are pretty dubious about anti depressants. but that's another story.
Here's a bit by a guy in my old home group about the way we were shown to do it
and this publication has many interesting articles on anti depressants
Whatever. i'm sure you will be fine, whatever happens. but jus thought I'd shar that in case you found it useful..
Right I'd better be off. Have a nice Sunday!

Namenlosen Trinker said...

Thanks for the input. I don't sponsor the way you describe, Irish Friend of Bill. That approach will work fine with someone like me, who has a pretty mild mental illness (not including my alcoholism). But I've seen some people with more serious mental illnesses try to go off their meds and it's generally disastrous! There are plenty of stories around A.A. about alcoholics so depressed after going off medication that they kill themselves. I think my approach is fully consistent with the pamphlet "The A.A. Member—Medications and Other Drugs," which I recently re-read studiously in preparation for this years General Service Conference (my Delegate was assigned to the Literature Committee and asked each officer to review certain pamphlets and sumarize them for her).

Obviously there's no always-right or always-wrong answer and I'm sure this will continue to be the subject of healthy debate in A.A. for as long as we continue to exist.