I've been thinking it would probably be a good idea to work the steps on my relationship with Nimue. My sponsor, The Rock, agreed. So I guess I don't have any more excuses.
This is not going to be fun. Already I dread the 9th step, where I know I'll be having to make some amends I don't want to. Well, I just have to do what I did my first time through the steps (though then it was the 5th step I feared—is this a form of progress?): do them one at a time.
I know I'm powerless over most of what it is that I think bothers me (I'm probably wrong). I can't control what she says, what she does, what she thinks, what she feels, what her attitude is, or how she's raising her adult children. I can't control the expression on her face. I can't control the sarcastic, self-righteous edge in her voice when she's speaking to me.
What I really, really, really need to do is stop simply reacting to all these things. For Pete's sake, when I've just had an altercation with her, my blood pressure goes up 30 points. I need to insert a pause, to let HP insert a little pause. Give me time to have a little think about what I do or say next. Not to mention give my blood pressure a few moments to recover.
I can't manage this relationship. All I can try to manage, with HP's help, is how I am in this relationship, what I do, what I say. I've been doing the best I can for 8 years, 4 months and 11 days. Not completely on my own, with some occasional requests for assistance. But whatever it is that I've been doing clearly is working. Time for a new approach.
Nothing new here. I've known all this for some time. What's different now is that I've made a decision to change what I'm doing. I'm not exactly sure what yet, but stay tuned and find out.
Yesterday's Daily Reflections:
Fixing Me, Not You
If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.
— Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 90
What a freedom I felt when this passage was pointed out to me! Suddenly I saw that I could do something about my anger, I could fix me, instead of trying to fix them. I believe that there are no exceptions to the axiom. When I am angry, my anger is always self-centered. I must keep reminding myself that I am human, that I am doing the best I can, even when that best is sometimes poor. So I ask God to remove my anger and truly set me free.
3 comments:
Anger, wow! My sponsor just gave me a book on anger, cuz I still have it. In this book, it says we need to love our anger, that it is a gift from God, to let us know when our boundaries are being crossed, or that there is something wrong. It says we're not to suppress it, but not lash out either. It's all in how we act on it. There are many healthy outlets for anger. We're not going to get rid of anger, we'll always have it, & that's ok. Clearly there is something not right in your relationship. Sounds like you're doing good, on trying to change your reaction, & that is, not to react. That's where we get into trouble. One of the things it says to do is, like you said, take a pause, concentrate on your breathing, & ask yourself why you are angry. We need to not condemn our anger, but understand it, & work with it. Sounds sensible to me. It's just an emotion, one of many emotions we have, just because it is more passionate, doesn't mean we get rid of it. Redirect. Hope this helps. Sounds like you've put yourself in a do I dare say? Helpless situation. There's so much you don't like about Nimue, why are you with her? I hope I haven't gotten too personal, or rubbed you the wrong way in my response. I've been in 'helpless' situations, I was miserable! Hope you can work it out. Good luck!
"There's so much you don't like about Nimue, why are you with her?"
Because every now and then, I am reminded that the woman I love and that I married is still in there, and I'm convinced she's my soulmate. Ironically, I usually see this woman after she's had a half a glass of wine (as well as at other times).
I think you and I are on the same wavelength, Sharon, but I don't want to be too quick to jump to conclusions. For now, I'm gonna try to keep an open mind about where this anger comes from.
Thanks for commenting!
Oh, plus the fact that I made a lifelong commitment to the marriage, which I fully intend on honoring.
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