05 October 2007

Lunch with a close friend

[Please note that I updated yesterday's post, Cunning, Baffling, Powerful and BRUTAL, with a few more details today. Just in case anyone cares, LOL.]

Last time I posted about my on-going struggle to get some prescriptions filled, I had given up and gotten most of them (all but the Prozac) filled at a local pharmacy. Surprise, surprise, I received all the refills from Caremark in the mail the very next day. I refused the package and had them sent back to Caremark. Now I'm planning to pre-emptively write a letter to them explaining why I have returned and telling them not to bill me. But of course, they'll bill me anyway and then we can fight about that. At least the charges will be on my credit card and that gives me an advantage in disputing them.

Today I had lunch with Graven Latte and gave him a quick summary of this saga, as well as my euphoria for the six or seven weeks following my sudden and unexpected cessation of being on Prozac, my feeling "restless, irritable and discontent" for the last 10 days or so and some account of my continuing conflicts with Nimue.

He asked what my plan was. Thank you for asking, Graven. I hadn't really thought completely through what my plan was till you asked. For now, I'm not going back on Prozac. I'm not ready to give up the wonderful sleep I am getting at night, especially since I'm not convinced that much my malcontentedness is due to not being on Prozac. If I do eventually decide to go back onto Prozac, it will be under the supervision of a professional (a shout-out to Doctor A for his advice on this matter).

As for my marriage, I'm not ready to do anything but wait for now. First of all, as Graven so quickly pointed out, now is not the time for me to be making any major decisions. Second, a few months ago I had reached a point where I was ready to take some drastic action. I knew enough to take a few days to sleep on my decision before putting it into effect, and told some people that was what I was doing. Within a week, I had lost my resolve and took that, again at the suggestion of people close to me, as meaning it was not yet time to take irretrievable action. Those I trust most—more than one of them—suggest independently that when the time comes to get drastic, it will be unquestionably the right thing for me to do. I have not regained anything like the resolve I had at that time, despite the horrible treatment I am getting at times. In the meantime, I will continue praying about this relationship. Now that's something that we agree on: me and everyone I listen to. I had actually lost heart in doing so, and was only mouthing the words, but a little bit of my former heart is coming back. I glad, and I'm sad. Glad because my heart coming back means the prayer is working. Sad because I fear that as I start to feel a little bit more for her, I'll let my guard down yet again and once more pay a price for letting her in.

I guess this was one of the things that had such an impact on me in reading The Junky's Wife's blog yesterday: she has put up some boundaries, and has started sticking to them. And overall, her life appears to be getting better, when her junkie husband is or not. I'm jealous.


dAAve said...

Not that I know any better, but instead of being jealous, be a copy cat.
Have a great weekend.

Namenlosen Trinker said...

Thanks for the encouragement, daave. I'm trying, LOL!

doctor a said...

I've been thinking about your post the past couple of days. Tonite I was reading thru the 12x12 on Step Ten and found this sentence: "It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong WITH US."

I take that sentence to mean that if we are disturbed at the moment we make a decision (or take any other action), we are out of balance and are unlikely to make the best decision. So I applaud your willingness to wait presumably until you are feeling clear and balanced before making such a major decision. Whatever it is, you will be able to trust it if you're not making it out of anger or despair.

Thanks for your willingness to write about this.